It’s Okay to be Angry

The Gift and the Curse

A Therapist’s View on Emotional Regulation

To follow on the theme of character and behaviour, let’s assess anger.

The Curse of Anger

I can only recall competing once in a martial arts tournament. My trade for a couple of years was judo. All I recall was the terrifying pressure and my final match. Against my buddy Mars. The more assertive child won. Possibly more capable—not to do a disservice to the victor. It wasn’t me. Those of you who know me can imagine that I was gun-shy. I have always pulled my punches. Usually because I don’t want to injure my opponent, but mostly because I feared my underlying anger. Maybe I overestimate the damage I could do. Undermine the capacity of my opponent. Or maybe I’m afraid that if my anger doesn’t work, I will again be vulnerable. I won’t be able to stop my father stomping me on the chest, as I stood helpless in the shower at five years old.

Though it felt unjust, I later forgave my dad for his many misgivings. I was never able to rectify the visceral justice my hands craved for many years. I was left without an outlet. I’ve had to try to manage that anger all my life. Hoping that idiots and apathetics don’t back me into a corner. Hypervigilant ever since.

As an adult, I was all too familiar with how bad anger was. It had no place in civil society. It was wrong. It was evil. Yet I had it. Not by choice. By omission. So, what was I to do with this ‘toxic’ trait? I was quickly informed it had no place. Yet, few solutions were given for what was given to me. Hereditarily.

Protecting Others from Your Pain

I have only broken one bone in my body. A knuckle. I broke it punching a wall rather than my sister. Subsequently, my cast helped me replicate my football hero at the time. Cantona: goal scored, collar and cast raised. On the brick wall of a London street.

I chose not to break it on my sister who was irritating me. I was determined not to follow my father’s footsteps. I wanted to fall far from the tree.

My collar remains to this day. Maybe symbolic of the victory I never had. A rebuttal of feeling like a loser. Or an attitude of how to overcome adversity. In any case, my work now is centred around pain. The management of it. Endurance of it. Breathing through it.

Emotional Regulation

Jiu-Jitsu changed everything for me. I returned to martial arts following intense corporate bullying. It was a way to direct my justified aggression in a more productive direction. I tried several disciplines while delaying the inevitable. Striking seemed to come more naturally. I was afraid that Jiu-Jitsu would put me in that corner I feared. It did.

I was forced into an unforgiving scenario. One where you lose every roll. Where your focus becomes one of endurance and survival. Jiu-Jitsu doesn’t support your ego; it defines it. There is always someone better. Bigger. Further along the journey than you. Regardless of age and size. A humbling reality.

Nothing has helped me more—physically, mentally—when considering my anger. Emotional regulation.

The Gift of Anger

Despite the stigma, anger can be useful. It doesn’t have to be toxic. If someone condemns it without understanding—no less a solution—are they not perpetuating it? Once managed, the power of anger can assert. Reassure. Protect. You can use it to fight wrong. Challenge apathy. Put adversity in its place.

Managed—nay, harnessed—we can improve the social fabric. If people are courageous enough to allow us. We must be trustworthy. Despite how we are perceived. Our duty remains.

If you would like to learn more about managing anger, keep an eye out for my ‘Shotgun Anger Course’ – The Four-tify Program.

At The Stigman Group, we don’t just talk about what’s wrong—we help men build what’s right. If you’re a man who’s been misunderstood, misrepresented, or just stuck… there’s a better way. Let’s find it together.