Why Me?

I didn’t want to be a therapist.

I had an image of a person I would not talk to about my pain. It was a counsellor.

Historically hypervigilant, due to what life had exposed me to early on. It would take a lot of warming up to the idea. While I am no hard-edged hero, I had many sharp edges. Still have a few. Still working on that.

In any case, no cardigan-wearing man with a patchy beard, who shook hands like a wet fish could reach me. I wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t trust men to begin with. I would rather follow a power lifter into a fire, than sit down with a man who bows his back.

I needed a strong spine to follow, the very type I lacked. The type that others can rely on, that can protect others. Not someone who can simply shake their fist with you amidst injustice, but use that fist to stop it if need be.

Boys weren’t picked on just because they appeared weak, they were picked on because they wouldn’t stand up for themselves. For others. The core of their function as future men, was being addressed in that moment. Granted, way too young. The sentiment remains. Was it a self-fulfilling prophecy, or an agitator to spark the opposite?

Afraid of conflict and of men in general, I learnt to keep my head down at school. I probably learnt more from hypervigilance, than any textbook. Although meek, I stood up on a couple of occasions when it mattered. Not always for myself, sometimes others.

Without any protection at home, I knew what lane I was in. I didn’t have the confidence or support to oppose all the dysfunctional behaviour I witnessed, just enough to keep me and my posse safe while I was around. I appreciate that not all perceived threats were dangerous, but others were unexpectedly so.

Much like social relationships, I demand a certain level of effort. I appreciate maybe too much to the average Canadian, I was formed in the streets of a much more unforgiving place.

What you get for that risk, is a greater bang for your buck if you can stomach it. Loyalty, ownership, authenticity that you won’t find most places. If you want to be better and be championed while moving forward, it’s available. If you want your bullshit and fragile spine to be affirmed, I’m not your guy. Being better, is the train I’m on.

Back to our unassuming counsellor friend. Now while I’m sure he is a wonderful human who has helped numerous people, I just wasn’t his people at the time. Still not so. My cup of tea has life experience. Not just experience of those with experience. Or experience of lying in the bed they created.

I mean, being the butt of another’s joke. Another’s negligence, insidious behaviour, or victim under a bus. My cup includes some relational rigor, character comedy and some fire in the belly.

Present society in the name of being kind has created a generation of people who choose to film a dangerous incident, rather than decide what intervention they should make. If you cannot stand up to something, you may bow to anything. Often something dysfunctional if you don’t own your responsibility, or your moment.

So, if you want to learn how to do that more effectively, efficiently, or just need more clarity on what to do at all, give me a call.

I might not be a wonderful counsellor, but I think I’m a pretty good one.