Parentification

Leadership or Liability

A Therapist’s View on Legacy.

Parentification occurs when children are left to step into a role their parents have abandoned or never fulfilled. It’s when kids become the parent, carrying responsibilities they were never meant to hold. It leaves a legacy that can either drive strength or create deep fractures.

Parenting as a Parent

It sounds obvious—you become a parent, so you parent. Yet many of us seem ill-equipped. The description is in the heading; few should be surprised at the requirements. However, many of us aren’t always sure of the concept, what specific instructions we should follow? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard, “There’s no manual for parenting.” It’s quite exhausting. Yet while many rue the lack of information in the moment, how many of us are well prepared? How many of us seek advice, model ourselves after strong examples, or put real thought into the role before taking it on?

Not all the models we have in our environment provide the best examples for us, but they can still teach us — even show us what not to do. Are we clear on the discrepancies? What should I try and address or change as an adult vs what was and is the responsibility of my parents. Some of us carry burdens that have never been ours and many still carry them today. We are overwhelmed and not completely sure why. Over-stretched by the unhealthy burdens some of our parents let us carry, because they didn’t know how to deal with their own. How do we expect our children to flourish, if they start their race weighted down by our stuff?

We can plan as much as possible, yet we might not be privy to what life will throw in our direction. I do think we can still mitigate risk to a reasonable degree. We must. I’m forever baffled how often adults make huge life decisions, with little forethought or without a plan.

Leaders have a plan.

Re-parenting Yourself

The process of healing wounds left from our own upbringing. If we want to live a life free of past restraints, labels and pain, we must address them. Healing your own history takes courage. But if you don’t do it, the pain doesn’t disappear—it shows up in your relationships, your decisions, and your kids. It presents itself as fear-based decisions, underhanded slights or spite. Criticism instead of empowerment. The difficulty of praising another, affection a family member needs—a hug you won’t give. Your inner child needs the love you won’t give. That’s how you heal.

We often re-do or un-do some or much of the parenting we received. Now, with respect, my aim is not to highlight the fallibility of man to accuse or to judge. We all fall short. We all make mistakes and will continue to. Yet I take issue with the adage ‘we do the best we can’, as I don’t feel that it leaves space for the extraordinary that many of us are capable of. That aside, there will always be ways we can improve; our parents could have improved.

To reiterate, this is not a witch hunt. It’s an observation that there is often hurt within us that we need to heal from, to move forward as functioning and healthy adults. If we don’t do this, we suffer and the relationships around us suffer. It’s tough and often deep work, it takes great courage, yet it is always worth it. For you and for those in your world, who follow or interact with you. We need to take that risk.

Leaders take risks.

Parenting Your Parents

One of the hardest, most unnatural roles a man can take on is parenting his own parents. I’m not talking about offering advice or caring for them in their later years. I mean stepping in with strong boundaries when they refuse to change destructive behaviours.

Adults are meant to grow into their own self-assurance and take responsibility for themselves and those they are responsible for. Managing up wasn’t something our generation expected, nor had capacity for. Whilst un-doing our parenting experience or lack thereof, as well as creating our own form of parenting to our children. A bridge too far? I would argue it is, if we divide roles evenly.

The baby boomer generation has completed parenting. They served their time and now they get to enjoy life. That is without the health they expected, the pension they were promised and the community that passed them by. There are some amazing examples of legacy families that have sown and invested for generations ahead, despite the trajectory that society seems to be on. Either way, grandchildren are found wanting. Often the opposite of what Millennials experienced from their grandparents. Where is that village?

Granted the boomers have bought into a false marketing campaign—serve your company and you’ll retire rich and happy. The odds are this didn’t become a reality, but there’s always time to adjust. If not for yourself, then for those behind you. Repair those relationships. Forgive yourself and ask others to forgive you. If there is no one left, then pay it backward, make someone else’s day, week, or month.

Maybe there are grounds to suggest that boomers felt obliged to have children, due to social or parental pressure. Overwhelmed and under-equipped, many parents tapped out at a certain point. I might be naïve, but what is more motivating than the joy of a child’s giggle. Their unique creativity, or the wonder of seeing the world through their eyes. I appreciate the village may not have been as healthy as it was meant to be, but few things get better when you walk away.

Leaders take ownership.

Leaving a Legacy

I don’t think society has helped the stability of the village. Self-love is promoted above being selfless, in the name of finding your true self. This, whilst avoiding the reality of where you came from. Who you are. It appears to be a refusal to face the past and change, in place of finding an unsustainable band-aid replacement.

Now while I understand the pursuit, I like many others found it futile. It is hard to face yourself, when you didn’t get what you needed. This is where the village has not just become untenable, but maybe unrealistic altogether to millennials who aren’t having kids. They’re discouraged. They spent too long raising their own parents, despite themselves. Their parents’ emotions, frailties or needs, took precedent. There was little space for their own. In droves millennials are choosing to prioritise themselves and it’s difficult to blame them.

Someone must carry the torch, mind. How does the next generation become better without the data, if that role is relinquished? Parents of the next generation will have to work harder, maybe supersede their roles. This can be further compounded if as described above they have a trifecta of responsibilities. An unplanned role. An unnecessary liability. Delayed gratification has never been so ungratifying. If it takes a village, it helps if the boomers haven’t left it already.

You don’t graduate from being a parent. The role changes, but the responsibility to support, guide, and build into the next generation remains. Grandparenting is not a hobby—it’s a chance to invest in both your kids and your grandkids. To pass on the good, to own the bad and avoid the ugly.When men stop showing up in their role, the next generation is forced to carry a load that isn’t theirs. That’s not just a personal failing; it’s a liability to your legacy. An abdication of responsibility. Are you passing down strength, resilience, and wisdom—or leaving the next generation to figure it out without you?

Leaders think generationally.

Legacy isn’t built by accident—it’s forged by the choices you make every day. When fathers step up, families thrive. When they don’t, the weight falls on the next generation. At The Stigman Group, we help men reclaim that responsibility and turn it into strength, resilience, and leadership that lasts. If you’re ready to stop carrying the wrong weight—or stop passing it down—it’s time to lead differently. Let’s build what’s strong, together.