Men’s Plight

I've laid the groundwork and into the female half of us in an upcoming blog post. It's only fair I begin to hack into the men.

I appreciate that not many have done enough self-work or have enough security to stomach such an earbashing. One that you don’t have to employ if you can differentiate yourself from the present fragile society.

I have three daughters, so don't underestimate parity when looking at both genders. In fact, as previously expressed, I don't support equality, as I don't observe equal responsibility. Men have far greater to account for, so I will spend more time calling them to account than the fairer sex.

As a Masculinist, I support men. An advocate and champion of them, of me. To be better for everyone, as I believe men are the greatest conduits for good, bad and sometimes ugly.

Good Men

My father was absent. From age six I didn’t have a father in the home. My grandfather passed before I was born and I had a younger sister by three years. I was an eldest child very observant, methodical and empathetic. It was a lay-up in terms of taking on too much responsibility at too young of an age. I had few examples I could follow or look up to. We were socially siloed from an extended family which I still haven’t met. Where were my role models?

Subconsciously I yearned to fill the void. Originally aspiring to be a footballer, or a commando via a nudge from the school library career software. I achieved neither, despite the desire and I still believe the minerals at the time... I had already failed by my mid-teens. Demoted in my maths class, unable to take guitar lessons, as I couldn’t afford a guitar. Sexually assaulted into promiscuity and failing school at 16, my prospects continued as they started.

The action heroes of the 80s and 90s were my lifeline. A noble aspiration, whether realistic or not. A character marker I could work towards. A strong dependable figure that could help others and was strong enough to endure the harm. Something that had evaded me thus far.

Bad Men

The narrative I believed in adolescence, was that my father was a bad man. His reign of terror in our home, broke it apart. It broke my mother and left us kids with wounds we had no business carrying. An emotional ‘hot potato’ that can take a lifetime to resolve or at least recover from.

Beyond my pain, through forgiveness that narrative expanded. My own fallibility added colour to the guilt surrounding my father’s indictment. Now while I still don’t have the entire story, I have since learnt it always takes two to tango. Many years of therapy work with couples has confirmed this theory. An inherent and undeniable truth. Without splitting hairs, there’s no question my father did wrong. I often wonder how much of what he did was intentional vs reactive. Did he know what was right and not do it, or was he just trying to survive, like my mother at the culmination of their relationship?

In any case, most would argue wrong is wrong. The reality is that privilege is often reserved for those who live with integrity, are emotionally intelligent and adopt a moral code of sorts. Otherwise, that truth can be bent. By emotion, by perceived justice, by selfishness. Who isn’t bad?

What I consider bad are those that enable others. Often those of us who have good intentions, but with undefined boundaries. Bad begets bad. That enablement can become self-inflicted abuse over time.

The bite we ourselves have fed.

Ugly Men

I consider human fallibility to be inherently selfish and lazy. Inherently bad. It doesn’t mean we need to stay there, and the hope is that we’re all trying to oppose a healthy amount of our original state. Through intentional parenting, our ownership and agency.

Devoid of misogyny, we know when men do more than bad. If bad is a starting point, ugly is the path you know you shouldn’t take. It is often fuelled by abuse, mistreatment and a determination to avenge. Rather than take responsibility and accountability, blame is accused, victimhood owned.

Maybe and often through no fault of their own, mistreatment has caused great damage. Hurt people, hurt people. Maybe devoid of support, opportunity to change or without a hand up. The world is not without tragedy.

A man’s ugly can often be found on the other side of his natural gifting, their abuse of their natural strength. On the other side of the coin, a female’s ugly can be found in the over-extension of her natural strength, her ability to emotionally manipulate. A man’s strength is louder and optically more destructive.

Is that an unfair disadvantage?

Best Men

From what I can tell, the best type of man stands in the gap. Fills the void. Forges a new path. There’s no question as a man; this is what I want to be. What I want to try to be more of or at least work towards.

Despite what may have happened to us, for our own dignity and those who rely on us, it must be our only choice. Who else will stop the ugly, protect us from the bad and show us how to be good?

Better men.