Why Do I Get Defensive With My Wife?
When your wife brings up an issue, do you immediately respond with 'What about what you did?' or a list of reasons why you were right? Defensiveness is one of Gottman's 'Four Horsemen' that predicts relationship breakdown.
Why Defensiveness Happens
Criticism can feel like an attack on competency or intentions. When someone feels their efforts or motives are being questioned, defensiveness can be a way of protecting themselves — even when it gets in the way of the conversation.
The Trap of Counter-Attacking
Defensiveness never de-escalates a spouse — it validates her feeling that you won't take responsibility, causing her to double down on criticism.
The Non-Defensive Shift
Look for 1% of truth in what she said, even if 99% feels unfair. Saying 'You're right, I did forget to text you' instantly lowers room temperature.
The Takeaway
Working on non-defensive communication is a core focus of our marriage counselling. If this pattern sounds familiar, that's a natural place to start.
Marriage Counselling
You don't have to figure it out alone. James Howard, Registered Clinical Counsellor, offers focused counselling options to help you understand what's happening and take a practical next step.